Courage Visit Me

What is bravery? A synonym for courage, boldness fearlessness, mettle, fortitude, or intrepidity. It is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. It is acting in spite of fear. (Taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courage)

My father used to teach me things to achieve bravery. He used to let me have the stirring wheel on a car when I was a kid and completely letting me take control of it. (This is with my mother's absence) He used to let me do things that involved conquering fear at some point. I would engage in martial arts, sports and other things. It would somehow require me to get hurt and I'd usually get some bruises after a fight or a practice. All through these things, my father would always accompany me and I used to think it was an act of bravery. I'd conquer something that would allow me to grow, to somehow be brave and face things.

Through the years, I learned that I'm actually immune of being hurt physically and I know how to protect myself. True enough, my father have prepared me for those kinds of things but there's something that completely got me off my track. I'm totally and insanely coward like Courage. I hate seeing the results. When things get complicated, I'd usually stand back, sit and wait. I would not meddle with things I'm not completely confident with. The confidence that my father have implanted in me and my mother have constantly reminded me of was completely gone. I'm not good at standing firm. If given a chance, I would not take side. When things don't go well, I'd just accept. I'm not good at risking things. Risking is the last things I would give.

Now, after receiving an announcement, an important announcement that is, I fear, I got nervous and at first, I got completely off track. Although, this is the thing I've been waiting for all this time, I fear the outcome. I wanted to get off and fly to the moon if it's the only thing it takes to be absent. I'm not completely prepared and I don't really know what should I do. But for now, I'm quite sure, I'll take a chance, I'll take this step forward, and make sense like how Courage would face his fear and would usually fight for his master's safety. I'll be brave for now. This moment, I'd make sure I won't just sit back and wait. I would see it for myself.

Numbers Matter

Ever since I started studying in a formal school, my favorite subject has always been Mathematics. It never changed. I thought for a while, I was just mimicking my classmates for choosing math as their favorite but apparently NO. I realized it on my 6th grade. Everyone hated Math as a subject, well, except for me. I love math even with equations, in fact, I love it even more with Algebra. It's quite out of the ordinary at my school that time for everyone else was failing the subject and I'm getting a perfect score or close to that. It's really unusual, it even made me become a nerd. Well, I'm labeled to be a nerd because of math and maybe that's the reason why I've had my pride on that subject. It even came to a point that, studying math was not one of my priorities for I know that I'd get a high score even top of the class score without studying the subject. Maybe this is the reason why it seemed like I don't care much about the subject but deep down, I still care. When my grades in Math sulk, it made me hurt a little. It even made me worse when I know I've studied well and won't have a good enough grade. A good enough grade is a grade that I expect to get for putting that much effort.

When I step into college, everything changed, I cried because of Math and even studied hard because of the same thing. I learned to aim a high score because of it and I already lost my pride in the subject. I'm not really good at studying. Thus, I practice Math with my hands, without practicing my hands, I know for sure, another failed exam or rather a low score exam was waiting for me. Well, it looked like my hands are something that memorizes all the formulas.

So, what should I feel when after studying so much and expecting a good enough score on the subject, I get something that isn't enough of my effort. Although, I kinda know the reason why it got that way, I still feel a little hurt. For this time around, I know, the subject is completely related to Math and a good pre-final grade have been invested in it. They say it's just a number and that passing is much more important but still it isn't enough and it's not just a number, it contains my effort. I felt that I lost in a battle but I actually didn't. It isn't normal I think but for someone like me, a little nerd in Math, the feeling is somewhat like that of being lost.

My Return

Writing has been my hobby for 8 years now. Well, it's quite awesome when people would get amazed at your stories or your poems or by simply knowing the fact that you, well, write. For my course in college, we're expected to write formal reports on lab that is, not fictional stories or poems. As I simply put it, not my interest at all. Well, at least there's writing in it a less dramatic and more straight to the point writing. No twist and turns simply straightforward. It is the way of life for a chemist, me. Sometimes, doing that way was better and would always give me a reality check. But I'd always return to this interest. Something that I assume would never leave this soul.

It's been 4 years since I last wrote in this blog and everything I wrote were all at the back of my notebook or included in my notes. Although plenty of things have changed, it's always good to be back. :)